10 Lessons I Learned in My 20s
/I turned 30 a few weeks age (yikes…) and usually on my birthday I reflect on the previous year and set new goals for the following year. This time, however, I decided to look back on the last decade and write down the top 10 lessons I learned during my 20s since that was the most pivotal time period in my life thus far.
After I finished writing this list, I read it back and realized that all of these lessons related directly to the experiences I had in the last decade. Some of the biggest moments in my life happened in 20s - my first Olympic Games, graduating from Stanford, falling deep in love for the first time, getting my heart broken for the first time, and so many more.
Some of these lessons you’ve probably heard before, but I hope that there are some new ones in this list for you as well - lessons that will hopefully either inspire you or cause you to look at the world differently. I hope you enjoy reading them :)
HAVE I CHANGED IN THE LAST DECADE?!
10 Lessons I Learned in My 20s
1) SUCCESS = WORK + GRIT x TIME
If you were to ask me ten years ago to write down the formula to success, I would’ve written “success = hard work x time.” It’s obvious that in order to be successful in anything you have to put in effort for an extended period of time. However, I’ve come to realize that this equation is missing a very important component - grit. One of my favorite books, Grit by Angela Duckworth, defines grit as “passion and sustained persistence applied toward long-term achievement,” and I truly believe that you cannot be successful without it. Whether your goal is to compete in the Olympics or to run a successful business, there will always be roadblocks that challenge and test you in the pursuit of your goal. People can say they have a particular goal, but oftentimes when they encounter difficulties along the way, they quit prematurely because it “got too hard.” No great feat is ever accomplished without having to overcome difficulties, so you should expect to face challenges and prepare yourself to persist through them!
2) YOU CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS
Happiness comes from the inside. For a long time I looked to other people to make me feel content with myself and my life - a friend, a boyfriend, a coach, a boss, etc. In the last year I’ve realized that only I can make myself truly happy by loving and accepting myself for who I am, flaws and all. All of those external things and people can complement my happiness but I am not dependent on them for the joy in my life. Your self-talk, goal setting, and attitude about your circumstances make a world of a difference in your state of happiness.
3) SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO WILL BE THERE FOR YOU EVEN WHEN IT’S INCONVENIENT FOR THEM
You find out who your true friends are in time of need. When you’re doing great, it’s easy for people to want to be around you. But when you’re going through a difficult time and being a good friend to you actually takes time and effort, many so-called “friends” disappear. I’ve gone through several “dark” periods in my life that showed me who my true friends are. Each time I’ve been pleasantly surprised that certain people who I wasn’t very close with were actually the ones who supported me the most! So who are those people in your life who will go out of their way to be there for you when you’re not at your best? Keep those friends close and remember to return the favor when they need you.
4) HEALTH IS NOT JUST PHYSICAL
The conversation around mental health has picked up steam over the last few years but as a society we still have a long way to go in understanding its importance. I used to focus so much on my physical body and trying to become stronger/leaner/more flexible but over time I’ve learned to give a lot more attention to my mental state. I now realize that you can’t have a healthy body and happy life without a healthy mind. We all have wounds and maybe even traumas from past experiences, and if we don’t heal from those experiences they will most definitely manifest themselves in one way or another.
Over the last few months I’ve really had to take a look at some of my inner demons and work through those wounds, some of which I’ve been carrying for many years! Now that I’m giving attention to healing them, I’m feeling so much lighter. Just like working out to keep your physical body in shape, we need to keep our mind in shape too. Meditation and therapy have helped me tremendously in changing my internal dialogue and overall outlook on life, and I recommend these tools to anyone looking to improve their mental health.
5) SOMETIMES LIFE ISN’T FAIR
This is a simple reality of life that we all have to accept. There were times in my life when I did everything right, talked with the right people, said all the right things, and it still didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. And when that happens, it sucks. It really really sucks. I found myself in one of these situations not so long ago. I was upset when things didn’t go my way because I really felt like everything was lined up perfectly for me to achieve my goal. Later on I found out that it was actually a blessing in disguise that things didn’t work out the way I had wanted them to! I’m sure you’ve experienced something similar in your life.
Since that incident I’ve been using the following philosophy. If you feel like you did everything you possibly could and still didn’t reach your goal, take that as guidance that it wasn’t meant for you, and that there is something much better coming in your future. That is why I try to approach everything I do with 100% of my energy - because I don’t want to have any regrets or wonder what would have happened if I had tried a little harder..
6) EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY
When I’m feeling down or going through a difficult time period, I try to remind myself of the famous Persian saying, “This too shall pass.” Nothing in life will last forever. Whatever state you’re currently in, good or bad, will eventually change. My mom used to always tell me when I’d be scared to go to the dentist - “When you’re sitting in the dentist chair, look out the window and remind yourself that at some point, you will get up and leave this office. This dentist appointment will end, so think of that when you start to get anxious.” The lesson here is that when things are going great, be grateful and really live in the moment and soak up the positive vibes, because at some point you will experience something negative (I’m just being a realist here!). And when life isn’t going so well, try to find comfort in knowing that this is all temporary and that your feelings will change eventually, likely for the better!
7) WORDS ARE POWERFUL, SO USE THEM WISELY
In Russia we say, “A word is not a sparrow, once it flies out, you can’t catch it,” and this is an important lesson for everyone to grasp early on in life. Although I do believe that actions speak louder than words, I also know that the words we say to others and to ourselves are extremely powerful. I’m sure you can think of at least one thing that someone said to you years ago that has stuck with you, whether it was positive or negative. Unfortunately, we remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones, so we need to be careful of what we say to others because it can leave lasting effects. Another thing that’s very important to remember is that by saying nothing you are always saying something. In my opinion, silence is usually a sign of cowardliness because you are afraid to say what you truly feel. In my opinion, it’s better to just say whatever it is you’re feeling, because life is too short to leave things unsaid.
8) DO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS…BUT ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT
I agree with the intention behind the phrase “don’t listen to other people” but I don’t really think that it is worded correctly. This expression is mostly used when talking about people going against the grain or starting a project that others deem unlikely to succeed. In my opinion, you’d be naive to not listen to other people’s opinions at all. Those people might actually have something valuable or useful to say, but if you refuse to be open-minded to their opinions, you may end up going down a very wrong path. Now, I do strongly believe that you should always make decisions that feel right to you, not to your parents, coaches, or friends. That way you stay in control of your life instead of following someone’s else’s plan for you.
When I didn’t make the national team in 2013, everyone around me - my parents, coaches, friends - said that the writing was on the wall and that I should retire from synchro. I took all of their opinions into consideration but in my gut I still didn’t feel that I was ready to call it quits. Even though my parents didn’t want me to (really didn’t want me to), I kept training. A year and a half later I was named to the national team and duet squad, and another year later I was named to the 2016 Olympic duet. I went with my gut despite what everyone said, and came out on top. So listen to the opinions and feedback from the people who are closest to you but always trust your gut and go in the direction that feels best for you.
9) THE 48-HOUR WALLOW RULE
When something negative happens in our lives, I’ve seen people take one of two approaches. Some people push away and hide their true feelings and go on with their lives like nothing happened, but those feelings still live deep inside of them and usually come out at some point in a dramatic way. The opposite reaction is to enter a prolonged state of either sadness, anger, frustration, or all of the above, and are not able to move past those feelings and return to normal.
For me, the best way to deal with a negative event is to give myself a set timeframe (I usually do 48-72 hours) to feel sorry for myself, complain to all my friends, and play victim - my so-called 48-hour wallow rule! After that time is over though, I pick myself back up and come up with a plan to move forward. This way I’m giving myself time to feel and process the feelings that come with a negative event, and then I pull myself together and trudge on. Of course, the more serious the experience, like a breakup or death, the longer it may take to fully move past. For smaller unfavorable events though this is a great strategy to try.
10) CULTIVATING RELATIONSHIPS WILL INCREASE YOUR HAPPINESS
I read in a book once that the satisfying social relationships are the best predictor of happiness in life, and I wholeheartedly agree. We are all longing to connect with other human beings to share our life experiences with and to feel less alone in this world. Social relationships bring out the most intense emotions - positive emotions like a powerful romantic love, or negative emotions like the pain of a friend’s betrayal.
Cultivating meaningful relationships has brought so much joy into my life. I remember finishing my swims at the 2012 and 2016 Olympics and the first thing I wanted to do when I was done was to talk to the people I love and share this amazing experience I just had. Whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, or family member, nurturing these relationships takes time, work, and reciprocity. One-sided friendships and romantic relationships are definitely not the kinds of people you want in your life. So put in the effort and take the time to build deeper connections, because they will make your life so much more gratifying.
